Love, Take Two: How We Got Back Together After Divorce

What if divorce isn’t the end of your story with someone you love—but the beginning of a better one?

July 24th marked 16 years since the first time I started dating my husband. I said “first” because I dated him a second time—after we got divorced.

When I told him I wanted to write about how we found our way back to each other, he said the key to mending a broken marriage is simple: tell your husband he was right about everything and agree that the sun now revolves around him. We laughed, and then we had a real conversation about how we actually made it work.

Before we dive in, I’ll say this: we ended our first marriage on good terms. That didn’t happen overnight, but we got there. In fact, we went to dinner the night before our divorce. And since he was living in another state, he even stayed at my house that night.

Our story may not be typical, but the tools we used to heal and rebuild can apply to any couple trying to find their way back—whether you’re hanging on by a thread or haven’t spoken in years. Here are the top things that helped us rekindle after divorce—and how they might help you find your own way back to connection.

Couples Therapy Didn’t Work—Here’s What Did

Like many struggling couples, we went to therapy. I’m a huge believer in it—I haven’t gone more than a year in my adult life without some form of therapy—but couples therapy didn’t work for us. And it wasn’t for lack of trying. We saw three different therapists at three different offices. If anything, it made things worse.

What helped instead was taking an individualized approach: solo talk therapy, EMDR, somatic work, writing, reading, meditation, and reiki. Doing the inner work separately gave each of us the space to be fully honest without worrying about how the other would react or how a therapist might interpret the dynamic.

When we eventually came back together, we brought with us new tools, deeper awareness, and an emotional capacity we simply didn’t have before. We talked openly about how our goals and desires had shifted—and we were honest about what hadn’t worked in past relationships, especially our own.

As we started dating again, we made it a priority to keep supporting the individual work we had begun. Whatever helps you stay healthy and grounded—keep doing it. Keep checking in with yourself to make sure you’re emotionally balanced and confident in what you're building not just with your partner, but within yourself, too.

Couples therapy might work for you. But if it doesn’t, don’t stop there. Be willing to create a path that does, and stay open to the options available to you. Whatever work you choose should help you lower your defenses so you can open your heart again—because until you’re able to truly see, hear, and understand each other, real and lasting connection can’t happen.

There’s no universal prescription for the work it takes to heal a relationship. Do whatever helps you build self-awareness and get to a place where you can have honest conversations rooted in compassionate truth, forgiveness, curiosity, and reflection. You need to be able to take ownership, name what didn’t work, express what you each need to move forward, and genuinely heal. And remember: if you don’t change, your relationships won’t either.

Exes, Dating, and That Awkward In-Between

We both dated other people after we separated, which definitely added some complexity when we started dating again. We couldn’t—and didn’t want to—be angry with each other for having moved on, but accepting it wasn’t easy.

We realized we had to offer each other the same respect and understanding we’d give someone new. You wouldn’t hold it against a new partner for having past relationships—in fact, depending on your age, it might even be a huge red flag if they hadn’t. We had to give each other that same grace.

Let yourself feel whatever comes up. Acknowledge the emotions you’re experiencing, name them, and notice where they show up in your body. Your shoulders caving forward, for example, can symbolize an attempt to protect your heart. Take the time to work through what you're feeling, and once you’re emotionally regulated and able to have necessary conversations without becoming emotionally hijacked—ask what you need to know, talk about what you want to discuss, and then let it go. Try not to let too much of the past bleed into the present.

Accepting that we had each formed new relationships was hard, but those experiences deepened our awareness of what we value, need, and how we want to show up in our relationship. Every relationship teaches you something, and we learned a lot. We also learned how to support each other in new ways. Working through that in-between space created a different kind of intimacy. We had to be vulnerable in unfamiliar ways. Despite the awkwardness and lingering pain, we chose to be present for each other through conversations and transitions that weren’t always easy.

In many ways, it was scarier than starting fresh with someone new. We had history. We had hurt. But we also had love—and a choice. We had to decide if rebuilding was worth the vulnerability it would require. In the end, no real connection happens without it. Vulnerability is the price of everything worthwhile. Lean into the vulnerability and give yourself the chance to see what’s on the other side.

This Is Between You Two—Period

As exciting as our reconnection was, we kept it mostly to ourselves at first. Only a few people even knew we were talking again. A lot had happened—we were divorced, living in different states—and we needed time to feel secure in what we were rebuilding before going public. Keeping things private wasn’t easy, but we both stand by that decision. It gave us space to focus on what really mattered: each other.

We knew some people would be skeptical, which made it even more important to build clarity, confidence, and structure for ourselves first. By the time we faced concerns from others, we were in such a solid place that it didn’t faze us. We listened and understood—but we’re not people who put much stock in outside opinions. If you’re someone who is affected by what others think, that’s okay—it just means you’ll need a little extra support and grounding through the process.

People will be curious. A couple of them asked—or implied—that we’d planned to get back together all along. I mean, I don’t know who in the hell goes through a divorce and splits up a home across state lines as part of a long game to reconcile, but we sure didn’t.

People are going to ask questions. They might say things that feel off, awkward, or even a little invasive. Shake it off and keep doing you.

To be clear: no one is entitled to a front-row seat in your relationship. You don’t owe anyone updates, explanations, or announcements. The priority is protecting your mental clarity and what matters most to you. Honestly, I think keeping your love life private is wise—even when you’re not trying to rebuild it. Protect what you value, and don’t feel bad about it.

Have Fun With Your Story

My husband gets a real kick out of telling people that he and his wife live with his ex-wife. Naturally, people get curious and ask how his wife and his ex-wife get along, to which he says, “Oh, they love each other—they’re really close.” And we are.

In our first marriage, I made a homemade dinner with a healthy post-dinner treat every single night. Now? I don’t. During our time apart, I gave myself permission to take a break from that kind of daily effort and I realized I really don’t want to cook every night for the rest of my life. No thank you.

Years into being back together, I still hear about how his ex-wife (me) used to make him homemade meals every night. My response? “Well, this wife doesn’t.” We have fun with it.

And we’re not the only ones who have fun with our story—our friends do too. At the end of our very small wedding celebration, when things were winding down, one of our friends loudly said, “This was fun—let’s do it again in a few years.” It’s still one of our favorite moments from that night.

Closing Thoughts

Divorce is hard. It’s heavy. It leaves lasting marks—but it also gives you the opportunity to grow into a better, deeper version of yourself. While we wish our divorce hadn’t happened, we’re self-aware enough to know that without it, we wouldn’t be the couple we are today. And honestly, we don’t want to be the couple we were before—we want to be better. Our divorce gave us that.

Repairing any relationship comes with challenges. Repairing a relationship after divorce? We need a word bigger than challenge to describe that journey. But if you’ve taken a good, honest look at yourself and done the work—if your partner has too—and if you both genuinely want it, you can make it work. You’ll move through the pain of the past, the brutal conversations of the present, and whatever else stands in your way.

The most important changes in a relationship start within you. And if it’s worth it to you, you’ll face the hard parts head-on—with courage, humility, and loving intention.

None of us are perfect. All we can do is try to show up as our best selves, moment to moment. And when we fall short—which we will—we reflect, own it, and try to do better the next time. My husband and I are grateful every day that we got to have a “next time” with each other.

If a love you miss offers you a second chance, I hope you take it—not just to get back what you had, but to create something even better. Because the goal isn’t to return to who you were. The goal is to grow beyond that. To honor the person you’ve become. To carry the humility of what life has taught you. And to stay awake to the things you once overlooked so you never overlook them again.